The Tale of Two Brains:
Session 1 – part one
Ask a woman to describe the perfect husband and she describes another woman.
Men are very simple – sex.
Woman process with the heart – men process with the brain.
Men think something is wrong with her head and she thinks something is wrong with his heart.
THE TALE OF TWO BRAINS
Never have a problem in marriage if you follow the advice of ONE Bible verse.
“It is good for a man not to marry.” 1 Cor.7:1
“He who marries will have troubles in this life.”
Then why get married – Because marriage is work – but well worth it.
Where no oxen are, the manger is clean. Prov.14:4
- We all like the benefit of the ox – however – we do not care for the mess – there is no such thing as a poo free marriage. NOT about attaining a state of perfection in your life – rather creating a proper “positive to poo ratio”!
Marriage has a greater upside than singleness – Married people are…
Make more money
Have better sex
Live longer – statistically men live longer
Laws of Relational Physics
Laws work regardless of what you believe: ie. Gravity – and they affect everybody
If you break the laws of relational physics there are consequences
Generally speaking men think a certain way – and women think a certain way
For example: Typically men are more interested in sex than women.
Marriage is a life giving institution – our culture says exactly the opposite.
Made up of boxes: wife, kids, job, etc….
Rule one: the boxes don’t touch!
Men have a secret box called the “Nothing Box” – it is our favorite box – which explains why men can do nothing for hours on end
When men are stressed – they want to go to their nothing box – and do nothing.
When men talk to each other – they hope that the other man will have a solution to their problem.
When men are stressed – leave him alone.
Made up of a big ball of wire and EVERYTHING is connected – and it is all driven by an energy called emotion – and explains why women can remember everything – because when you tie an emotion to an event it burns in your memory and you cannot forget.
This rarely happens to men because – men simply do not care.
Women tend to care about everything.
Nothing drives a women more crazy than witnessing a man doing nothing.
When women are stressed – they want to talk about it – if they do not their brain will explode.
When a wife talks – the husband wants to fix whatever it is they are talking about – but women don’t want to be fixed they just want to talk. They don’t know how they feel – that’s why they talk – to figure how they feel.
Husbands after hearing their wives talk will offer their best solution – let’s not talk about it. Wives upon hearing their husbands troubles will offer their best solution – talk to me.
This also affects the way we communicate and use words.
Men use 10,000 words a day – Women 20,0000
Even from the earliest days boys and girls differ in their communication.
Words mean different things to men and women – for example:
5 minutes –Men: 5 minutes – Women: an indefinite period of time.
Nothing – ask a women what’s wrong and if she says “nothing” – THEN something’s wrong
Go Ahead….Men: go ahead of me - When a women says “Go ahead”
– she is giving you the opportunity to explain whatever stupid thing you just did – which is typically
followed by a sigh – that leads to a fight over nothing – meaning you won’t be having sex for at least 5
The Tale of Two Brains:
Session 1 – part two
Women’s brains come with a lot of extra memory – so they remember the details of everything
Men’s brains only come with the basic minimum requirements
Men will remember an event happened – Women remember everything connected with the event.
Had a baby – describe the details of the baby.
Men will relay to their wives – I had a good day.
Women will relive every event of their day to their husband.
Differences in our brains affect how we listen: basically men have selective listening
“HONEY, GO to the store, LAY DOWN the mulch, wash AND wax the car, GET the kids at school, rent SOME videos, and finish the REST of the dishes.”
Men hear: “Honey, go lay down and get some rest.”
Difference between single task and multitasking. Women multi-task – men single task.
Not a good idea to have him watch more than one child at a time!
Men completely focus on one task and are capable of rising to the top.
When men are engaged in a task –
generally – they do not hear anything.
Women can multi-task
– hold multiple conversations at a time
– thinks the guy can do the same thing.
Do not provide vital information when a man is engaged already in another task – he’s not listening at that moment.
Men get themselves into trouble
– because there is a defense mechanism that keeps them saying “uh-huh” which makes women think the men are actually listening. Men must STOP what they are doing and focus on listening.
Thought he was losing his hearing – went for testing – Eye, Ear Associates
30 years married – feels like 10 minutes…..under water
On the other side of the house still talking to him – upstairs and still talking – relaying vital information. Do not so multi-task with your husband that you leave him in the dust – especially while engaged in special moments.
Think about sex completely different.
Men – begin thinking about sex at age 18 and “declines” until they are dead.
Testosterone – drives us crazy – and if women knew how much men thought about sex they would be more disgusted more than they are already.
When the testosterone declines – so does the sex drive.
3 words every woman loves to hear, “Hey, you awake?” seems to happen in the morning – for no apparent reason.
For women – they have their heart – and they have their place of happiness
Men are very interested in their wives “place of happiness”
If a man touches his wife’s heart – then she gives him the permission to go to the happy place.
72 hour rule
Men – don’t be a moron – every time you get the “buzz” – it is to remind you to be nice to the girl!
A woman should NEVER give a man “what he wants” without him first giving you what you want.
It is the nature of humans to take – do not allow someone to take until they first learn how to give.
No ring? No thing!
Every woman’s interest in a man is his heart – if you touch his happy place – then he gives you permission to touch his heart – exactly the opposite of the woman
Women think – “it shouldn’t be about that” – but this is the central issue – don’t dismiss the importance of this very important topic. If it wasn’t for this very issue – men probably wouldn’t take any time on women.
God created this paradox – this “stand-off” on purpose – what was God thinking?
THE KEY: in order to get what you want – you must give your spouse what they want!
It is not always easy – but you must touch her heart – be nice to the girl.
I told you I loved you once “I love you” – if anything changes – I’ll let you know.
Women – do not under-estimate the importance of this situation.
Airplane Illustration: must adjust our course depending upon the variables
How do you get where you want to go? Every couple has their own specific variables – must consider the
variables in each partners life and make adjustments
There is a reason for a Biblical standard concerning sex: God created this intimacy for marriage – outside of this
boundary relationships get messed up – men are particularly stupid –
our ideas of sex are formulated by our first experiences which are usually driven by lust and not love – causing us to “look past” the girl
Men attempt to re-create this lust experience within their marriage making their spouse uncomfortable/unloved
When a man waits to have sex until after marriage – his focus is on his wife – not a past experience – resulting in
a fraction of the divorce rate of those who did not wait
Psychology today assumes everyone has experienced sex outside marriage and counsels from a lust perspective
Women have an imprint as well – because there is no true intimacy – sex equals nothing which is why so many
married women have negative attitudes about sex -
When a women waits until marriage and experiences how much this means to her husband – this means everything
Sexual metabolism – many struggle – for the few that do it right they have a much easier time – teach your kids!
For women – the chemical oxytocin – is released and causes bonding
Do NOT tell your children sex is terrible – let them know when done right is God’s best plan for us
Focus on the women! Why? Because she is much more complicated – it is more difficult for women to have
great sex – for men it is very easy – all he needs is for you to show up!
5 Things a woman needs for great sex
Song of Solomon 4:10 – this guy knew how to talk to his wife!
Porn has turned men into self centered pigs – Women ARE interested in sex –
it is up to us to awaken the sexual desire within them – focus on his wife – it is his goal to bring her to orgasm
Be a lover – the secular paradigm of Desire to arousal to sex is not accurate
Most people do not exhibit a desire for sex – they only feel a desire until they participate
Men: do not EVER ask your wife if she wants to have sex – just go for it – be the Initiator
Song of Solomon 7:8 – learn how to climb the palm tree! DO NOT be predictable – SLOW ROAST!
Song of Solomon 4:1-7
Women don’t have a problem – there is an issue with the difference between the sexes – women take
longer and men shorter – for men to go beyond two minutes is regularity = stamina
Song of Solomon 7:12 – Safe and private are important to women
Children: The Anti-Sex
Women are NOT the same after children – HOWEVER – Men ARE the same – cannot neglect the needs
of your spouse because of children – “but my children need me” – but they also need a daddy!
3 to 4 rejections and men will shut down sexually –
We must be considerate of each other’s situation and needs
5 Things A Woman Needs For Great Sex
Song of Solomon 7:10
Our culture is lying to us in saying
that sex is built upon lust
The “experts” - the Hollywood Movie stars who cannot stay married for more than 3 months are depicting what the perfect marriage looks for us on the “big screen”
The reason to object to sex based upon lust is because it just doesn’t work
(Emperor’s New Clothes)
Every man knows that the more you focus on lust the worse his sex life becomes
Family Feud – Soap Opera Stars
100 people surveyed – what can you do to improve your romantic life?
A: Have an affair
Everyone applauded and said,
“Good answer, Good answer” – (even psychiatrist’s apply this logic)
Answer: “view pornography together” – Good Answer!
Neither side could get a single answer
The survey answers: Spend time with each other, bring her flowers, have dinner together, etc…
The world’s best advice: Fantasize on someone who in reality would never give you the time of day!
Pretend and live in a fantasy world – we are trading in real women for something that isn’t even real
Pastors are sanctified – NOT petrified
Masturbation destroys intimacy with their wives and real human contact – This is NOT orgasm!
TMS – Traumatic Masturbatory Symptom – a real diagnostic
The misinformation that has gone on for decades has ruined the sex lives of many people today – where 50% of
men – even in our churches – have sexual addictions – pornography ruins our sex lives
One of the biggest problems in our country today – sexless marriages – men believe they do not need to romance
their wife’s heart because they can circumvent the “happy place” – men are selfish and self centered – more in love with themselves than anyone else
We are not animals – we can control ourselves
Where is your proof that oxygen is good for your lungs?
Assume: A turned on woman plus a turned on man equals the BPS (Best Possible Sex)
How many woman would be turned on knowing their husband is trying to fulfill a sexual fantasy about some other
woman by having sex with you? ZERO
How many woman would rather know their husband is only in love with them and THEY are his fantasy? LOTS
Based upon extensive mathematical research it has been determined that Lots is greater than zero
Pornography equals a turned off woman – thus – impossible to have BPS!
RPE (Repeat Porn Exposure) equals a diminished man – he cannot get turned on – thus – BPS is impossible!
A + B – PORN = BPS
What the professionals have is Broken Science = BS
Are children the standard?
Children will eat poop if you let them!
The key to great sex is to focus on one woman all day long – lust is like eating snack food all day long and it will
ruin your appetite for real food that is healthy for you
30 day challenge – do not look at another woman, fantasize, or look at pornography – and then check the results
It’s like trying to lick an ice cream cone with a sock on your tongue – that is NOT great sex
Great sex is found within the context of marriage
Christians ought to be known for having great sex!
The church gets pulled into this secular mindset and non-biblical teaching on sex and this should not happen
Christian Magazine did a survey – “how many times did you make love in the past week?”
Christian men struggle with sexual temptation everyday – and they pray
“God how do I solve this problem of sexual temptation?” and God’s answer is:
Many Christian women would like their husbands to become more involved in church – it is difficult for sexually frustrated men to praise the Lord
if you are serious about having him involved in church tomorrow – put a smile on his face tonight